I woke up today thinking about Ed Sheeran, of all things. Well actually, let me back track. I first woke up staring into the sleeping face of my beloved, with his arm outreached toward me across our king size. (There’s another story here you should know first …. I have always hated the king size because there is too much room between us, and it comforts me to fall asleep with my foot tucked under Ben’s leg. However, I tend to have cold feet….so it amuses Ben that I have to stretch so far to reach him, and I usually give up and just fall asleep, way over on my side of the bed.) In any case, this morning I woke up to find him closer to me, with his arm reaching long across the bed towards me, and I was able to wrap my arms around it and snuggle right in. And thats when Ed Sheeran popped into my head.
Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran
And, darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me – I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am
So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
I have loved Ben since I was 22 years old. Almost from the moment we met. (To be clear….he totally fell in love with me from the first moment he saw me, but I took a little while to be persuaded. Regardless, I was head over heels before my 23rd birthday).
I remember, at 23, wondering “how will I know if he is the one for me?” I wanted to emulate the best marriage I knew at that time (and still know), which is my parent’s marriage. (49 years and counting for them, but I digress). Anyway, I fell in love with Ben, and shortly after I turned 23 he was transferred to Gibsons BC while I still remained in the pit of Hell that is the RCMP Training Academy in Regina Saskatchewan. We said our goodbyes, he moved on, and I continued on with my training.
And then the letters started coming. Ah … the days where no one had cell phones or email, and a person had to sit down and put pen to paper in order to communicate with someone far away. Ben wrote me letters about his new posting, and about the city he was living in, and he wrote about how much he missed me and and how he hoped I would be posted out his way once I graduated. And then … I remember this as if it happened yesterday … I was sitting in my dorm, looking at the photo of the two of us that I posted under “In The Beginning,” and I thought to myself “If I am lucky enough to get posted out west near Ben, I will always remember how much I love him and miss him right now. Even when I hate him, I will remember this moment and how much I wish I was with him.” And that was the exact moment that I knew he was the one for me. I knew that I could never want to be with anyone as much as I wanted to be with him. That was the real start to our Love Story.
I have carried that moment with me for the last 22 years. All the times I was frustrated and angry, and wanted to push him out the front door – I always remembered that moment. Thats the moment I held onto, that reminded me of how much I loved my man, even when I didn’t.
It isn’t hard to love Ben. I’ve said it before – the words that come to mind when I think of him are steadfast, strong, brave. He makes me feel safe. He’s never let me down. Not over anything important. Well, to be honest, he lets me down all the time when it comes to not having the dishes done before I come home from work, or forgetting to do some domestic chore that seemed like the most important thing in the world to me. But never, NEVER over anything that mattered. He has stood by my side and never faltered, even when I didn’t deserve him. He’s not a perfect person, but he’s a good person. He may be the best person I know. So solid.
We have built a crazy awesome life together! When I think back to where we started (two young kids with no money and big dreams) and look at where we’ve come (3 beautiful and kind hearted children, family and friends that love us) I am really proud and happy. You won’t read about us climbing Mt Everest, or traveling the world together (although we will do that, later), but I believe we have done better then most I know. Because all these years later, we are still each other’s one and only, and that is exactly where both of us want to be.
It is true that sometimes it takes being shaken to the core to really appreciate what you have. And we are definitely being shaken right now. But Ben has always appreciated what he has. He has lived his whole life with a “live in the moment” attitude. He has lived from a place of gratitude. We have been through some challenging times, and he has never once asked “why me”? Instead, every challenge that we were presented he took on as a life lesson he could teach his children. I think he has done an amazing job so far. The way he loved our son so passionately through the last few years makes my heart flutter. The way he looks at our girls with such pride and pleasure at having had a hand at shaping their lives brings a tear to my eye.
So, in the words of Ed Sheeran, I will be loving you til we’re 70 (plus another 30). I have no regrets, because as Ben has taught me, they are a waste of time and you can only look forward. But I will say that this bump in the road has provided me with a slightly clearer outlook on whats important in life. And as usual, it is my steadfast, strong, brave man who is teaching me that lesson.
I’m just thinking out loud.