When I last updated the saga that is our life, Ben was waiting it out in a room within the ER of Surrey Memorial Hospital. The good news is that he has been moved into a room within the hospital. 5th Floor, Area N51, Room 4B. The bad news is that its the cancer ward. I hate it there. I don’t feel we belong.
Every time a staff member comes in to check on him and talks about his cancer I want to slap them. Every time Ben talks about his cancer I want to slap him too (sorry honey). I have to stop myself from saying “You DON’T have cancer!” Because I guess he does. Instead I find myself saying things like “well, the radiation will be taking care of that tumour” and “he won’t have cancer anymore after the radiation” and “it won’t be in the bone anymore after the radiation.” I particularly can’t stand mention of it being in the bone. Bless those nurses … they just nod in agreement with me.
A physiotherapist came into his room to talk to him, and she asked him if she should bring him a walker because “the cancer is in the bone” and he is at risk of breaking something if he falls. HA! A walker?! She does not know My Man. He is strong. I wanted to tell her to take her walker and shove it. Instead, Ben did. 🙂
Ben started his radiation on Friday. He will also have radiation on Monday, Tues, Wed and Thurs. That secondary tumour better run scared. He also had a CT guided biopsy of the tumour right before radiation, which is good because now the oncologist will be able to work his magic in order to develop just the right treatment to blast those fucking little shitty cells. I feel like I could just squeeze the life out of those dirt bag cells if I could just reach inside his body and get ahold of them. I really wish I could. Oh Ben, how I wish I could.
On Friday night Ben got an infection in his IV, so they have removed it and are administering pain meds subcutaneously. (“Into the skin”. I’m learning a lot of new words that I never felt I needed to know before.) Also on Friday I threw my back out – as usual I have impeccable timing. Jaime started getting sick on Friday and has just gotten worse since that time. She also has impeccable timing. I have literally jailed her in her bedroom so as not to infect anyone else, and I have been spraying Lysol around here as though she has leprosy. I’ve also been angry, which doesn’t help. The poor girl is really sick.
Thank God for loved ones. On Thursday night my Greys Anatomy Group (yes, we do have a group) surprised me with an in home spa treatment. It was glorious and I felt the love in a huge way. Connie, Lelita, Susan, Jackie….thank you. It wasn’t even so much having the treatment (although spectacular) as it was being loved. I was overwhelmed. You made me feel as though I am not travelling this path alone.
Beth has been here for days which has taken a huge load off while I’ve been hobbling around. She was also right beside me when I suddenly had a vasal vagal attack in my living room (look that one up…they are not fun). God bless Beth. She has to go back to Alberta today and I will admit to being literally nauseous at the thought of being alone here. I’ve been more secure in the knowledge that one of my favourite people in the world have been right in the house for the kids when I can’t be.
My family has been spectacular – my parents have attended kids’ events when I cannot, and driven the girls and their friends around. I am so grateful and yet it is painful for me to see them also feeling this pain of what is going on. I want to protect them from it – I don’t think its fair that they have to go through this also at a time when they are not supposed to have a care in the world. I wish I could take the pain away.
While I’m throwing out the love, there is also my too-amazing-for-words-sisters. Always there for me every minute no matter what. How lucky am I to have them? And to all those who have texted and emailed, to my colleagues who brought the gift card for the hormone free meats, to my friends who have brought meals over for the kids, to those who have driven my kids around, and especially to those who have taken the time to visit Ben or contact him….THANK YOU! All those little gestures make a huge difference in our lives.
I am off the hospital shortly to take Ben his breakfast. I cannot even tell you how totally ridiculous the hospital food is. I think it would make the cancer worse if he actually ate it. Jaime is texting me from upstairs for meds and I can hear her moaning, poor thing. Raegan has to be up soon to head off for her play off soccer game (playing for gold today) and Zach is heading to New West to help a friend with some work. Life goes on, I guess. I will pop a couple of Robaxacet and get on with it too.
Visiting hours are unrestricted, so by all means, text Ben and then go by for a visit. 5th Floor, Area N51, Room 4B. He is in a shared room, and his bed is closest to the window. I feel better navigating normal life around here when I know others are with Ben, working on his spirits. There is no real planning for best times … just text him (604-365-7329) and he can do his best to let you know when he’ll be out of the room for treatment.
And when you walk off the elevator into the cancer ward, make sure you mutter “Eff’in cancer ward” under your breath. It’ll make me feel better.