6 am. I’m sitting in the hospital room waiting for Ben to wake up. The coffee I brought him is getting cold. Would it be so wrong if I accidentally kicked the bed? Lol.
So, it turns out that having cancer does not always make people immune to the realities of life. Apparently people still argue, even when they’re sick. Even when the man they love most in the world is sick. Sigh.
I used to think that being seriously ill, or loving someone who is seriously ill, would ensure that you got along famously, every second of the day. But the truth is, the world still turns, and you both still have the same idiosyncrasies you always did. I guess the difference is just that you learn the value of saying “I’m sorry” a lot faster then your ‘pre-touched-by-cancer-stubborn-self’ may have allowed.
We are human. We are not perfect. We succumb to anger and frustration. But the beauty of being human is our capacity to love. And as I sit here and watch my husband sleep, I am moved by the overwhelming feeling of love I have for him. So powerful that it is difficult to bear this situation we are in. And I say “we”, because we are in it together. Someone commented to me that the position he is in is far worse then mine. Well I wholeheartedly disagree. I know they didn’t mean to offend, and I’m not upset over it (so no negative comments please) but they are simply wrong. When you love someone with every fibre of your being and something like this happens, you feel it all. Believe me, I feel it all. The pain, the anguish, the stress, the fear….I feel every bit of it. I feel it for Ben, I feel it for me, and I feel it for our kids. I feel every bit. I would give anything to take it all away, and I cannot bear anything other then an ideal outcome.
So I sit here, waiting for him to wake up so that I can wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him. And we can continue this battle together.