Lost in Translation

So we made it to Vancouver General Hospital on time with a severe lack of sleep: me with none (I was in too much pain), Wendy with very little because I kept lamenting all night long. I’m not kidding. It felt like Osama Bin Laden was stabbing me in the ass and leg all night long. Let me re-state that…ALL NIGHT LONG. No breaks. I even doubled up on breakthrough pain meds and they didn’t even touch it. Anyways…

We made it to the hospital, got checked it and I finally got a bed in which I could lay in my sexy hospital gown which we took an unusual amount of time to figure out. Wendy kept saying “stop showing your ass!” and I kept saying “I don’t give a shit. I’m in pain, I don’t care.” To which she would reply “Shhh…don’t swear so loud”. And on it went until I was finally wheeled away to the Radiology unit.

I was attended to by a male nurse who was kind enough to give me more pain meds – which incidentally didn’t do shit. I was then briefed by the Radiologists who would be performing the procedure: Dr. Munk and Dr. Radu. They were accompanied by a male that Wendy and I finally decided was simply just a nerd. No better description for this guy. He simply stood there looking nerdy. He wasn’t even dressed like a Radiologist. I didn’t think that there would be nerds roaming about freely in a hospital. It was cool to see one. It was kind of like seeing a leprechaun. Maybe we’ll get lucky. Anyways, I waited another half an hour before being wheeled into the operating room itself and put to sleep.

I woke up in the recovery room and to my surprise, I was not in pain! Osama Bin A Huge Asshole was gone!! No stabbing pain. My sacrum felt completely normal. I could still feel a slight tingling in my right pelvic bone and down my leg but otherwise I was in no pain. I was super-tired though and the nurse thought I was drowsy from being sedated. I kept trying to tell her that I hadn’t slept at all the night before and I just wanted to sleep. She kept telling me that I wasn’t breathing deeply enough. I wanted to say “Why don’t you go away and let me sleep!!!!” but instead I just fell asleep. Of course, shortly thereafter I would be woken up again and on it went…

I finally got to the point where I had to go to the bathroom. “Excuse me nurse, but could I go pee?” She told me that there was no washroom in the recovery area. “What!?” I told her I really had to go pee so she went and found me a bottle to pee in. Hold on a second. Let’s go back. There isn’t a washroom in the recovery area of the hospital? How stupid is that?? Do everyones bowels and urinary tracts just shut down when they’re in recovery? That has to be re-thought.

Anyways, I resigned myself to peeing in a bottle. The nurse was kind enough to curtain me off in my little corner. So there I sat, on the edge of my bed, trying to pee in a bottle. Did I mention that Wendy was standing beside me talking on her cell phone? I know!! She’s in a hospital, talking on a cell phone. Surely that’s disrupting some medical equipment. It was also disrupting my sense of flow, if you know what I mean. It was bad enough sitting on the edge of my bed in a huge dormitory-like room listening to the hustle and bustle of the staff while I tried to pee in a bottle.

So I did what any normal person would do and told her to get off of her damn phone. Maybe even leave my curtained-off room and let me pee in peace!! She did the next best thing, she turned around and lowered her voice. I sighed (what else could I do), closed my eyes and tried to picture a waterfall. Ahhhh. Then I heard Wendy say to the nurse “I think he fell asleep sitting up.” At which point the flow stopped. I said “I didn’t fall asleep! I was trying to pee!” The nurse took off. I closed my eyes again and focused on the waterfall. Ahhhhh. Then I heard the familiar voice of Dr. Radu, who was now peeking around my curtain. WTF!? I looked at him and said clearly “I’m just trying to use the washroom, can you just give me a minute?” To which he simply nodded and entered my curtained-off space and started talking about the procedure.

Something must have gotten lost in translation. I didn’t quite know what to do so I just kept on peeing, with the bottle (and my youknowwhatimtalkingabout) pointed right at him. About a minute into his explanation he finally looked down and put two and two together. I think I saw the universal facial expressions “Oh Shit!” and “Oh well” because he almost didn’t miss a beat and kept on talking and I just kept on peeing.

He said that they had cryo-somethinged the tumor in my sacrum and filled in the fracture with cement. Essentially rebuilding my sacrum with cement and partially killing the tumour doing the damage. Only partially though. They couldn’t get it all without causing severe nerve damage. They also performed a general nerve block in the area of the nerves that are causing me issues. He left his number in case of an over-night emergency and filled in the discharge papers.

So off we went, almost pain-free, trying to get me to Sushi Avenue in Langley. Had I mentioned that it was 7pm and I hadn’t eaten all day? I was starving.

That’s enough of this tale.

Lastly, let me state that there will be no reply to my darling’s love letter. That will remain “in-house”.