Sleep And Breath Elude Me

I do a lot of walking to relieve anxiety.  Yesterday I went three times, and still I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath.  I have no idea how to fix this problem, aside from the hand of God reaching down and curing Ben.  Most of the time I feel like I am in the middle of running a marathon.

Today I will be in the hospital for my own annual cancer check, which is always a stressful time on its own.  This will be the first time I have undergone this test since Ben’s diagnosis, and the anxiety leading up to today has been intense.

Ben is doing such an amazing job of hiding his pain for the kids that they really don’t realize how much he hurts.  That means that their lives continue on (a good thing), which means they continue to experience the same ongoing teen angst and problems as they normally would.  THAT means that in addition to this current shit storm that is our life, we still have to deal with crying girls having friend problems at school, exam anxiety, boyfriend problems.  Let us not forget that our sweet boy remains a recovering addict – doing wonderfully, but it would be ridiculously naive to think that he does not have his own struggles.  His safety is also our priority. Raegan has nightmares.  I have nightmares.  These are very real problems that cannot be ignored or pushed aside because of cancer.  We have to continue to keep our family safe and protected, but this is all enough for us.  No more.

I cannot take on anyone else’s anxiety or hurt when I cannot breathe myself.  I cannot take the time to imagine anyone else’s pain when I can barely fathom my own.  You must not ask me to.  I think it must seem natural to reach out to the person closest to Ben to discuss the pain that so many people who love him are feeling, but you must not.  Not right now.  I can take on four people’s hurt … Ben, Zak, Jaime and Rae.  That’s all.  My limit has officially been reached.


Our trip was fantastic and I’m so glad we went, but the pain followed Ben and when he hurts, I hurt.  It keeps him awake and tossing and turning, and the tossing and turning itself is painful for him.  With every turn comes a moan of pain.  How I despise this disease.  I am angry this morning. Or possibly just sad.

One Tear Baby

I think I feel about the same as this little one looks.

Yesterday this was on the news:

This is the trial that Ben is in.  Another person has taken an amazing turn for the better after being placed in this trial. I am happy about that.  Ben needs something to start shrinking that tumour.  He needs pain relief from something other then constantly increasing his medication.

I am going to walk now.  And try to breathe.


**Update** My own check went fine and the drugs knocked me out for most of the afternoon.  Lucky me 🙂

14 thoughts on “Sleep And Breath Elude Me

  1. Wendy, God love you! Your strength and love amaze and inspire me! Keep on keeping on!! I am thinking of you and praying for you! I wait patiently for your updates; rejoice in your successes and channel positive energy when you have set backs! Loved the pics from your anniversary trip, a lot of planning with great enjoyment in the end – Ben looked super stoked to meet that guy w the sexy hair!! I love you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Wendy….my dear Wendy…It would be cruel for me to even hint at feeling your pain as we have no idea what you are living every day. I am hoping our visit at Xmas will help to relieve some of the stress for a bit, anyway. We are coming filled with energy, love and compassion and hope it will be contagious and comforting. Hang in there and take lots of time for yourself when possible as you are the foundation on which your family is built and you will prevail….this I know and feel…..our time is yours, unconditionally…..xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, he is not taking any meds pertaining to this trial. There are no meds to take at this point. Yes, he was accepted into the trial early August. They did do a biopsy and are examining his tumour in the hopes they find what drives it. If they do, they will need to figure out if there is a medication in existence that will work to block whatever is driving it. That’s the hope.


    • I think I’ve been accepted for the trial. They took a chunk of my liver tumour so I’m guessing I’m in – otherwise I want it back. Even if it’s only to put it in a jar. That wasn’t fun so it better pay off. 😁

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I wish you could push the Staples ‘easy’ button, even just for one day. You are stronger than most, and thank god for that. Take care of yourself. Ben needs you to sleep so you can keep getting up each morning ready to fight this head on. I hope you sleep. No dreams, just deep sleep. That is my wish for you tonight. 😴

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could use some sleep too. All I do is moan and toss and turn. I’m probably the reason why Wendy doesn’t get much sleep. Aside from the cancer thingy. 😬😴


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