I do a lot of walking to relieve anxiety. Yesterday I went three times, and still I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. I have no idea how to fix this problem, aside from the hand of God reaching down and curing Ben. Most of the time I feel like I am in the middle of running a marathon.
Today I will be in the hospital for my own annual cancer check, which is always a stressful time on its own. This will be the first time I have undergone this test since Ben’s diagnosis, and the anxiety leading up to today has been intense.
Ben is doing such an amazing job of hiding his pain for the kids that they really don’t realize how much he hurts. That means that their lives continue on (a good thing), which means they continue to experience the same ongoing teen angst and problems as they normally would. THAT means that in addition to this current shit storm that is our life, we still have to deal with crying girls having friend problems at school, exam anxiety, boyfriend problems. Let us not forget that our sweet boy remains a recovering addict – doing wonderfully, but it would be ridiculously naive to think that he does not have his own struggles. His safety is also our priority. Raegan has nightmares. I have nightmares. These are very real problems that cannot be ignored or pushed aside because of cancer. We have to continue to keep our family safe and protected, but this is all enough for us. No more.
I cannot take on anyone else’s anxiety or hurt when I cannot breathe myself. I cannot take the time to imagine anyone else’s pain when I can barely fathom my own. You must not ask me to. I think it must seem natural to reach out to the person closest to Ben to discuss the pain that so many people who love him are feeling, but you must not. Not right now. I can take on four people’s hurt … Ben, Zak, Jaime and Rae. That’s all. My limit has officially been reached.
Our trip was fantastic and I’m so glad we went, but the pain followed Ben and when he hurts, I hurt. It keeps him awake and tossing and turning, and the tossing and turning itself is painful for him. With every turn comes a moan of pain. How I despise this disease. I am angry this morning. Or possibly just sad.
I think I feel about the same as this little one looks.
Yesterday this was on the news:
This is the trial that Ben is in. Another person has taken an amazing turn for the better after being placed in this trial. I am happy about that. Ben needs something to start shrinking that tumour. He needs pain relief from something other then constantly increasing his medication.
I am going to walk now. And try to breathe.
**Update** My own check went fine and the drugs knocked me out for most of the afternoon. Lucky me 🙂