As Dan pointed out in my previous post, fart stories are funnier then my musings about watching Ben suffer. I agree … they are. I laughed when I read Ben’s post too.
I do want to tell funny stories of how we are getting through this, and in fact there are some. Our life is not all doom and gloom and I don’t want anyone to think it is. I smile and laugh with Ben every day (mostly when he farts, ironically), and although we tend to avoid actual discussions about “living in the moment” and “mindfulness” it is clear that is where we both are. Thats a good thing, I think. Everyone talks about doing it but then gets carried away with life and the years pass without anyone knowing where they went. Well, we are really doing it. We are living and loving in the moment. Hopefully we will live and love in the moment for another 50 years together.
We love each other whole heartedly and in a very real way. We appreciate each other more, and we make a greater effort to tell each other. Sometimes we still argue (it is usually Ben’s fault) and we hug each other alot. Ben is actively trying to get all those home chores done that I have been nagging him about for four years …. today he finally bought weather stripping and a filter for the furnace. Thank you, My Love. (Now could you possibly replace the phone jack cover that has been missing for almost three years?) I appreciate that Ben cares about getting things done for me, because he loves me.
Instead of telling funny stories, I tend to use this blog as a way to blow off some emotional steam. I don’t have a lot of options, after all. I don’t want to worry the kids, I don’t want to have negative discussions with Ben, and quite frankly I’m sure that my girlfriends can only take so much of my constant cancer discussions. (I try to spread it out between friends, but I know the topic must be wearing thin.) Crying occasionally in the bath tub is helpful, but I like to get it out in the blog. I feel better after I put it on ‘paper’, so to speak.
It truly hurts my heart to see my Gentle Ben in pain. Its a horrible feeling to be helpless and unable to make My Love feel better. I don’t want to sink into a constant state of broken heartedness, so I prefer to get it all out here. Isn’t that what psychologists tell you to do? Write it down and then move on.
So I doubt you will often get a fart story out of me. Those will come from Ben. From me you will get my heart, but know that once its out I am able to move on and share some laughs with My Man.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Tell your family why you are grateful. Live in the moment. Hug each other a lot.
PS. Chris, if you are reading this, know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers daily. And even though I emailed this screen shot of my FB page to you, I wanted to give it a permanent place in our blog. You are a Titan.