Sadness, Frustration, Breaking Points and Hypochondria

We had the appointment with the Radiology Oncologist today.  He is also a Dr ‘K’ so I won’t refer to him by name, lest you get mixed up between him and our medical oncologist.  He seemed like a nice guy and he appeared to know what he was doing, so I guess we’ll just go with that.  If we want Dr P again (who did the first bout of radiation on Ben) we would have to wait another week as he is away right now.  So we won’t wait.

The good news is simply the fact that he can do the radiation at all, because we weren’t sure if Ben could have any more. It will be done at Surrey Memorial which is more convenient for us then VGH.  Ten days, every day except for weekends and Ben starts on Wednesday. We expect it to cause fatigue again, but hopefully that will be about it.  Since Jeff (Ben’s special boyfriend … hahahahaha) is coming for a visit from the Great White North, he can snuggle up to Ben and keep him comfy while he sleeps off the effects.  Too be clear, the radiation is for pain only, not for cancer treatment.

While we were waiting for Ben’s appointment, I watched an older lady who was all alone standing at the appointment counter talking to the receptionist.  The lady did not know how to solve her problem of how to pay for the outrageous parking fees while she undergoes 17 days of radiation.  The receptionist wanted to help her, but couldn’t, obviously.  It is what it is.

My heart was broken while I “eavesdropped.”  People who have to go through this should not have to worry about how to pay to park when they arrive for treatment.  Little old ladies should not be alone while they are being treated for cancer, and they DEFINITELY shouldn’t have tears in their eyes while they try to solve the problem.  So unfair.

I gave her parking money for a month, and I don’t tell you that because I want anyone to think “Oh, that was nice of Wendy.”  I am definitely not looking for a pat on the back.  I tell you that because if I don’t you will all wonder how I could have possibly walked away from that without helping her.  Thats because there are good people who read this blog and since you all would have done it yourself (helped her, I mean), you would quite rightly be appalled to think that I did not.   Also, I want people to know how expensive that damn parking is.  Just keep it in mind if you’re ever around the cancer agency and you see someone scouring their wallet for parking money.   I don’t feel good about giving the little old lady parking money …. I feel sad beyond belief that she is in that situation in the first place.  The little old lady with the crooked wig and tears in her eyes.  Not fair.  I won’t forget her.

After meeting with the doctor and getting the plan worked out, Ben had to have another CT scan so they can use it to prep for the radiation treatment on Wednesday.

Simulator 2.  Feels like he’s heading into outer space.

And then it was over.  We were on our way, and I walked up ahead of Ben to retrieve the car from the parking lot and drive back to get him so that he wouldn’t have to walk so far. I took a long time because (and here’s where the hypochondria part of this post kicks in) I was on the phone with my doctor’s office trying to get an appointment with my GP before he leaves for a vacation and doesn’t come back until December.  Why, you ask?  Because I have stupid, uncomfortable symptoms, and when I google them the first 30 hits or so are “Ovarian Cancer.”  Seriously?  I HATE being worried about my own health when Ben is going through this.  I hate it.  But it is damn scary going through all of this with three kids who are trying to muddle through it themselves, and having your own aches and pains that freak you out.  And to be clear, I don’t freak out if I have an elbow pain, or a headache, or a pain in my foot.  I am not that crazy.  But whats going on right now with me is enough to freak me out and send me off into a really dark place.  And then I obsess.

So I took longer then expected to get back to pick up Ben, and when I arrived he looked upset.  I’m not going to go into details, but lets just say that someone ( a stranger) said something horrible to Ben while he waited for me.  Completely inhuman, as a matter of fact.  And I, well, I was no where to be seen because I was off in my dark place obsessed with all possible horrifying things that could be wrong with me.

I do believe I’m almost at my breaking point.

Someone I admire loaned me this book

I started reading it, and its comforting.  I’m going to go sink into a tub now and keep reading, and hope that somewhere in the next hour I can get my head back in the game.