What to write?

What to write???

I have to try to catch up with my prolific wife. She seems to have a lot to say and the time to write it down. That’s not a fair statement, I have a lot to say and more time than her to write it down, I just forget to do it or see something shiny and get distracted. Duh.

A lot has happened over the last little while. So much so that I could not possibly put it in chronological order for a nice read. So I will point out some highlights!

Well, I underwent another bout of radiation treatment to help with the pain in my leg. Thankfully it did in fact address that particular pain but now there seems to be more pain in different locations. All the same leg, just top and bottom now. I shouldn’t say “more pain” because I don’t think there is more. It’s just the link between the two pains has been severed and now instead of my whole leg being sore with an emphasis on one spot, the middle is taken care of thanks to the radiation but the top and bottom still hurt. It’s hard to describe. I won’t lie though, I’ve been having difficulties dealing with the remaining pain. It hurts. Quite a bit. It keeps me up at night and consequently keeps my lovely spouse up as well as I lament and ask for her help in wrapping myself up in heating blankets or take a bath or search for breakthrough meds. I don’t know what I would do without her.

How about a happy highlight! One of the recent highlights for me is that I finally got to see Matthew Good in concert. He’s been an elusive artist and I thought he had hung up his touring gloves but in the end, he still performs live. I ended up going to the show with Zach. Wendy was my official date but she just wasn’t up to it for her own reasons. She has been working really hard on my behalf while I sit on the sidelines just taking my meds as expected and watching the show of life go on without me. So it’s totally understandable.

matthew good

Matthew Good was great. He played many of my favourite oldies from his time with the Matthew Good Band as well as some of his newer stuff in support of his most recent solo release “Chaotic Neutral”. I had a really good time. Zach didn’t recognize any of the music – it was before his time – but like his dad, seems to enjoy live performances no matter who is playing. Plus it was nice to spend some time with him.

Chaotic Neutral

Back to some sad stuff. The event did manage to solidify something that I had been struggling with over the past few weeks. Every year, my RCMP Troop has a get-together around the holidays. Just an informal get-together where drinks and laughs can be had. Over the years, I had passed on the opportunities for a number of reasons, mostly money since the reunions normally happen in Quebec or Ontario. I almost went the last two or three years but again passed, thinking “I’ll do it next year for sure”. Well next year is here and now it’s not about money, it’s my body that says NO! There is no way I could make it unassisted through an airport, trying to get to a connecting flight or reach a taxi stand for that matter. I just couldn’t do it. The pain is just too much. I was going to go to the reunion in Montreal and then visit my good friend Chris in Ottawa who finds himself in the same predicament I am in. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing treatment. I don’t have the words to describe how heartbroken I am over my inability to go and support Chris. I so wanted to have dinner with my Troop mates and then visit Chris in person. But, I’ve realized that it can’t happen. My body just won’t make it. And that’s saying a lot because I’m pretty stubborn. If there was anyway for me to tough it out, I would. But there isn’t. My body failing me just makes me want to cry. Now, I hope there is a “next year” to do it in. I hope so.

Let that be a lesson to everyone, don’t put off what you can do right now because you never know… You may not be able to do it later.

6 thoughts on “What to write?

  1. What about medicinal marijuana…I heard the brownies can be good?
    All the medications they have invented but yet you lie in pain is troubling!
    I appreciate your comments and how you let the rest of us in at a time
    where you could brush off our curiosity of your well being.
    Your right Ben, don’t put off what you want to do today for minor reasons.
    Hope your pals will stick a Ipad on the table and Skype you into the evening
    (always wanted to be a fly on the wall sometimes).
    Keep up the battle because you have a whole bunch of people cheering you on!
    Not to mention I would not want to be any researcher in the Northern Hemisphere
    as I know Wendy won’t let them sleep xo

    Liked by 3 people

  2. And one more thing … it is a waste of time to wonder what you would do without me. I would never leave you. You can always count on me. Always. xoxoxoxox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sweet Ben … you wrote this one year and two days ago. I wish I was writing this while sitting beside you. I wish I was saying “whew! That was a close call before the cure arrived.” I wish I teasing you about how scared you made me last year but how you ended up winning that battle and now we were once again moving through life together. I wish I had been wrong when I read all your blog posts and thought to myself that you wouldn’t see that same day next year. Well, here we are and you are not. I wish I could tell you how empty life is without you, but then again, if I could tell you I suppose my life wouldn’t be empty, would it? I love you.


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