I thought that with time passing, things would get easier. That appears to not be true. What actually seems to be happening is just the opposite, in fact.
The girls are struggling. I’m not going to go into specifics, but they are suffering badly. I don’t know how to help them. I can barely help myself. I am not without resources and I am definitely trying, but it is so hard. We all feel like we are barely keeping our heads above water.
I also worry about Zak, although honestly he seems to be doing fine. He has a lot of support and Zak, much like sweet Ben, has always had a knack for deciding whether or not he can actually fix or change something. If not, he focuses on what he can do.
Zak and I went on a date the other night, because he is leaving for Powell River for three weeks. We had a nice time, but when I mentioned Ben his face clouded over. He told me he tries not to think about it too much – about losing his Dad. I can’t decide if that is a good coping mechanism or one that will come back to haunt him later. I’m probably not the best person to figure that out.
As I write this, it is 9:55 am. Jaime has been texting me since 8am, begging me to come pick her up from school. Her stomach hurts her a lot. Constantly. It is pretty apparent that her grief is coming out in physical pain, but knowing that doesn’t make the pain any less real. The pattern seems to be that I try to walk her through it in various ways via text. Sometimes it works. Often it doesn’t. Today falls into the “doesn’t” category. I am going to have to go pick her up.
PS. I picked up the mail today and found that my new cheques had arrived. In my name only. With my new account number. In my name only. I haven’t had my own bank account since I was 22, and I don’t really want it.