Its happened. At 5:20 pm tonight I crossed that dreaded line where all my happy memories of “this time last year” now officially involve cancer. With a small “c”.
At 5:20 pm on April 10th, 2015, Ben told me he had cancer. One year ago today. 365 days. I can still hear his voice as he spoke the words. It haunts me. I can hear the fear in his voice as though I’m hearing it again right now while I type these words. “Where?” I asked. “In my kidney and in my bones.” He cried, and I knew right then that there was to be no happy ending.
Yes, over the next few weeks we briefly had a slight reprieve where we were told the cancer was on the bone instead of in it, and I allowed myself to think that it might be possible to at least buy him some years of treatment. Maybe in that time a cure might be found. But in short order we learned that the bone scan was wrong and the cancer was in fact in the bone. And everywhere else. And spreading rapidly.
How we cried the day we heard that. I have to actually shut that memory down because it hurts too much to handle right now.
Just when we thought things could not get any worse, July 14th rolled around and that day we discovered that Ben did not have kidney cancer, per se. He had collecting duct carcinoma. A rare and incurable cancer without even the teeniest, weeniest chance of survival. Nada. Nothing. Not a damn hope. No one knows why it happens. “Just bad luck” we were told. There is literally no rhyme or reason for it and there is no known effective treatment. It is so rare, that if there is one thing you do not have to worry about in life it would be getting this type of cancer. You have a better chance of winning the lottery.
When we first heard the words “collecting duct carcinoma,” Ben left the room to be sick and I asked “How long?” The resident oncologist looked at me and said, “One month? Three months?” I never could write that in this blog before now because I never told Ben about that conversation. But thats what happened. One to three months. That oncologist did not know The Titan very well, because Ben went on to fight for another six months minus one day. And every single moment of every single day I lived in fear. To amuse myself and take my mind off the horror I often thought, “this day last year we were …. (insert happy memory here).”
Anyway, now I have crossed the line where every memory of the past year is now surrounded by cancer crap. I have dreaded this day for months and here it is. Bam.
I miss you so much Ben. I want to see you and talk to you again. I texted your number the other day, just to see what would happen. You didn’t respond.