Today is my sweet Raegan’s 15th birthday and we will be celebrating here in Hawaii. Not a bad birthday present, am I right?
We arrived two days ago to beautiful weather and beautiful accommodations. We have already swam beside a massive turtle and watched the Dolphins swim. I have sipped a little bit of Heaven in the 100% Kona coffee at Starbucks (although I did accidently drop the first one all over my sister after only having had about three sips) and we have plans today to go paddle boarding. There is nothing for us to do for the next week or so except enjoy the sunshine and each other’s company. Life is good, right?
So why am I wide awake at 3:32 in the morning, feeling like I just sat through a three hour movie of Ben being tortured by the fear of dying and feeling like he had no one to share that fear with? I am exhausted.
Ben, please, get out of my dreams. I’m tired and the dreams like that hurt me. Come back to my dreams when they can be happy, not this way.
I want to enjoy Raegan’s birthday and our vacation. I know it has been six months without you. I know today marks the day. Believe me, I know. And it’s ok for you to live in my head but not like that. Please stop making me suffer through those memories time after time. I just want to remember you laughing.