Sometimes It’s All Just A Little Too Much

I am writing this post from Hawaii.  To be a little more exact, I am writing it from the bathtub in the condo in Hawaii, where I am hiding and trying to breathe.  It’s one of those moments.

Sometimes it’s all a little too much and I couldn’t explain why if I tried. I don’t even know.

The trip has been beautiful and peaceful for the most part. We have swam and kayaked (Lisa paddled, I sat there), relaxed in the sun, drank wine, gone down a water slide and even swam in the ocean with dolphins. I have also enjoyed 100% Kona coffee.  That’s a big deal for me.


All that beauty is not lost on me, and yet here I am hiding in the tub remembering Ben saying “I think I pulled a muscle” while I nurse my own extremely sore lower back and think about how Ben’s “pulled muscle” turned out.  And cry.

Yes, I know, I know, most muscle aches do not turn out to be cancer. But apparently sometimes they do.  If I could turn off the shitty thoughts I would. Sometimes I can. Occasionally I can’t. This seems to be one of those moments.

You know what I wish for more than anything at this moment?  I wish that all of my kids be gifted the ability to live in the moment and not in the “what ifs.”  I hope that when terrorists commit atrocities and innocent people are killed, and when men and women who protect our communities go to work one night but don’t come again because some asshole figured that they wore a uniform so they should die for that, and when another student or their mom’s aunt is given another sad cancer prognosis…..that they find a way to cope and understand that those are not their stories.  I hope that they can understand that no one knows what life holds for them, but at that particular moment that is not their story. And that if it ever becomes their story in any way, they will cope.

I hope they emulate their Dad.  I hope they don’t crawl into a bathtub to cry. Or, if they do, they only do it for ten minutes and then they remind themselves of all the beauty in the world, get up, towel off and move on.

How I miss Ben right now.

It’s time to get out of the tub.

5 thoughts on “Sometimes It’s All Just A Little Too Much

  1. Don’t underestimate yourself
    We all have our equivalent of crying in the bathtub. I dtive out to a remote area and scream. I’m willing to bet Ben had his version too.

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  2. The world can be a really shitty place. I think it’s okay not to watch the news sometimes. I hope your back feels a little better after the bath. And I hope you treat yourself to a massage. Hugs.

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  3. Crying in the bath tub is NOT a weakness. You are a class act my friend. Instead of lashing out during the bad times, you continue to love and support those around you. You touch so many lives in such a positive way – on a daily basis. So proud to have such a strong and courageous friend 🙂

    PS – it’s not cancer.

    XOXO

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  4. ❤️ You are strong, brave and loved. Crying is not a weakness, it is a pause and a time to refuel your energy stores to be present for yourself and your family.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  5. Wendy, don’t feel bad about hiding or crying. You have been through something so awful. Grieving is a beast which thankfully most people don’t experience at this point in their lives. No one is judging you and if they are they are insensitive and are some of the lucky ones to feel a loss so profound.
    Time will ease the hurt….but no one can say how long that will take. Only you will know how much time it will take. At least you have your beautiful children to give you some brief moments to smile instead of cry.
    Take care. Xo

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