It’s 1:19 am. The girls and I arrived back from holidays early this evening. I had grand plans that I would return refreshed and ready to live life.
Turns out that as of tonight I suddenly feel nothing except completely done. Finished. My grand vacation plan did nothing for healing. I feel worse then ever, actually, and in addition I believe I have a massive sinus infection as of about 30 minutes ago. My teeth are aching and I cannot breathe through my nose at all. I would like to have a really good cry but I can’t even seem to do that.
I also don’t feel like trying to be happy, I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I don’t feel like seeing anyone and I don’t feel like explaining my feelings. And, I don’t feel like writing about my vacation or why I feel like this. I couldn’t explain it if I tried and you couldn’t understand anyway.
Seven months is not a magic number for healing at all. Nothing I have done has worked. So I’m just done. I won’t be visiting anybody.
Wendy
Mom is a widow 
I love you Wendy. I have no idea what it must be like to be trying to get on with life without Ben but maybe try just allow yourself to “be” and let it be okay to feel how you feel? Please take it easy on my friend Wendy, she’s smart, capable and she’ll get “on with it” when it’s her time💞
I love & miss you….xx
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You are so right-no magic number of days/weeks/months or years. It is what it is and you feel what you feel. And sometimes it is very healthy to withdraw and not have to explain. Praying that you will allow yourself the time you need to feel and to gain a little strength. It’s hard and it stinks. No way around it.
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You’ve been in overdrive, going a hundred miles an hour physically, mentally and emotionally for a year and a half. I hope you take some time to just be. To sleep. To rest. To turn off. To do whatever your body and spirit needs. Please take care of yourself.
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There is no deadine. Just be. You are doing an amazing job of supporting your kids. Ben would be sooooooo proud of you. He is. I am sure of that. Ps – I visit you in my mind every day. 😚
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