I am not feeling particularly successful at this single parenting thing. If nothing else, it is at least a comfort to have a partner that loves your kids as much as you do. When you have a partner and the going gets tough, or perhaps there is a situation involving your child that can’t necessarily be fixed, at least someone else understands the pain you feel on behalf of your child, because they feel it too.
My current state of mind can be best summed up as “muddled.” I don’t know where my old self went, but she seems to be gone, gone, gone. (That was a little play on the song by the same title played during the slide show at Ben’s service. Gone, Gone, Gone.) I used to be focussed and confident. I was semi-reasonable. I was able to deal with multiple issues that arose on any given day because isn’t that what we do as women? Multi task.
Not so much anymore. I find myself hyperventilating if more than one issue arises at a time, and they don’t have to be significant issues. Air conditioning not working? I may cry. Fireplace won’t turn on? That could be cause for a day in bed under the covers. A call from a doctor about a cancellation appointment available for one of the girls? I could stare at the calendar for an hour and be unable to figure out whether or not I can get her there. Ativan is my current best friend. We get along well.
I think that the entire world should understand what is going on in my mind. Isn’t everyone a mind reader? Aren’t my problems bigger than everyone else’s? Why shouldn’t the stranger in the parking lot who took my space (she got there before me, to be honest) know that my husband died and therefore they should have driven on and let me have the spot? Ridiculous, I know, but those thoughts still come into my mind. The only positive thing is that I am too worn out to make a fuss, which ensures that I don’t tell anyone off whether they deserve it or not. At the same time that I’m outraged at the (perceived) injustices in the world, I am equally too worn out to do anything about it. Thank Heavens. I couldn’t handle the guilt if I started losing it over ridiculous things, but I hate the fact that I want to.
However, sometimes the injustices are real, and they are big, and they are worth fighting for. Such is the case with something that has happened with one of my girls at school. The problem is, I am too damn exhausted to fight. I am tired of explaining what she is going through and how difficult it is for a child to cope with this. I think it is truly impossible for anyone to really understand. I have always been compassionate towards other people’s losses, but I now realize that in fact I didn’t really have a clue.
So the result of all that, is that I’m doing a poor job of coming to her rescue. I can’t seem to make myself understood, and I suspect that is more my fault because my thoughts are scattered and I can’t speak without crying. I want them to just know. To understand without explanation. To just do the right thing without me having to battle for it because I am out of energy. And if I can’t do battle for my daughter, then I feel I’m just a bad mom.
I read this today:
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
My time would probably be better served just trying to love the kids through it, even if that doesn’t solve all the injustices in their world.