I finally took the leap and called someone in to fix my computers. They have all been quite a mess since Ben died. Anyway, he had to haul them away and it is hard to use my phone to write blog posts … hence my silence.
Today, as usual, I was flipping through my calendar and the blog to see what I was doing this day last year. It’s how I keep Ben close and trick myself into thinking he’s still here. (I live in this weird place somewhere in the middle of reality and wishful thinking.) I found this post from last year. I remember my fingers on the keyboard as I typed it out. Chris had also been recently diagnosed and Ben was suffering through that heartbreak too.
I wrote out my hope that Ben and I would be living in the moment together 50 years in the future, but I knew it wasn’t true. Like every other day that passed, I knew that Thanksgiving 2015 was to be our last Thanksgiving together. I embraced it at that moment but I wasn’t able to hang onto it. Thanksgiving has always been my favourite holiday and last year was no different. Our family was together and Ben was still reasonably strong, but I knew our last moments were ticking away.
I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you, Ben. I think that thought every day. I’m just so sorry.
Yesterday we gathered together as a family once again – this year with one new boyfriend and one new girlfriend in the mix. Neither of them had the pleasure of knowing The Titan, but they joined us in a shot of Kracken to remember him.
Here’s hoping everyone enjoyed the day and gave their family a little extra love. Here’s to Ben.
As Dan pointed out in my previous post, fart stories are funnier then my musings about watching Ben suffer. I agree … they are. I laughed when I read Ben’s post too.
I do want to tell funny stories of how we are getting through this, and in fact there are some. Our life is not all doom and gloom and I don’t want anyone to think it is. I smile and laugh with Ben every day (mostly when he farts, ironically), and although we tend to avoid actual discussions about “living in the moment” and “mindfulness” it is clear that is where we both are. Thats a good thing, I think. Everyone talks about doing it but then gets carried away with life and the years pass without anyone knowing where they went. Well, we are really doing it. We are living and loving in the moment. Hopefully we will…
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