I remember that at this time last year we were starting to get desperate. Ben was sleeping about 18 hours a day and it was clear that time was running out. Barb was researching like crazy as to where we might be able to go to try to find some better treatment (not to knock the treatment he received here) and I felt Christmas looming over me like a giant hand ready to squash me like a bug.
Once again, as we head towards that season, I am at a loss for what to do. I honestly have no idea how I envision Christmas going this year, since Ben and I created traditions that we have carried forward for almost a quarter century. When we were young we started cooking steak and having champagne on Christmas Eve. It was a big deal because we really couldn’t afford either. We continued that for several years by putting the kids to bed early and then enjoying our dinner together followed by a Christmas movie. When the kids got older we let them partake in the steak dinner, although Ben bought cheap cuts for them since they didn’t know the difference anyway. I will never forget the first time one of the kids had a bite of a good cut and wondered why their Christmas steak never tasted that good.
Dinner was always followed by a Christmas Eve Service, followed by a visit from the Pajama Elf, followed by a reading of “Twas The Night Before Christmas” performed by Ben using ridiculous voices. Last year he skipped the voices, but still did the reading.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. I guess the point is that I really don’t know how to handle this season without him. I asked Zak how he envisioned Christmas and he said “I don’t know.” Me too. I don’t know if I want to be here, don’t know if I want to go away, and I don’t know what is best for Raegan who clearly wants to carry on status quo because she is big on tradition and would like everything to remain the same.
As for Jaime … well, she doesn’t really know if she’s coming or going. She is struggling with the same thing everyone does as they reach the end of high school. What do I do? I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Etc etc. It’s causing her a lot of stress and I’m not quite sure how to help her with that.
I think the first signs of the upcoming Christmas season are starting to get to all of us. It has been rather tense around here of late. I am trying to take it easy myself and help to lower everyone’s stress levels but I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of it, especially as I feel my own stress levels rising.
I read this quote the other day. “Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.” Isn’t that true.