Over the last twenty months there have been several things that have made me angry. Finding out My Love was dying was second on the list. Watching him die tops out as number one.
But there were other things that have ranked pretty high on my anger list too. One of them was when the crazy neighbour kid with the behaviour problems spewed hatred in front of Raegan and yelled at me “why don’t you just go die and join your husband!” That little incident took place when I came upon him in the street screaming in fury at his mother. When I stopped to try to talk him down, he screamed out that horrifying and hearltless comment and made Raegan cry. A mere two months after my (then) fourteen year old daughter watched her beloved Dad die right in front of her, some asshole kid with anger issues and a violent temper knocks her down further. I wrote about that in this post.
Interspersed over the last (almost) two years were some other anger-causing incidents. There were the various times when Ben writhed in an agony that no one else in the world could ever tolerate. There was the time when he no longer knew who I was and he believed he was drowning, and the time when his daughters patiently cleaned up after him and tried to save his dignity. All those things and more made me angry. I was angry when, shortly after my beloved husband died, someone dared to say to me “there is no greater loss than that of a child.” Was that was supposed to be soothing and remind me that something worse could have happened?
Over the last (almost) two years I remained as calm and composed as I could, for Ben’s sake and for the kids. I have done my best to be understanding when people have unknowingly said insensitive things, and I have reminded myself that they can’t possibly know what I’m going through so I have always tried to cut them some slack and just let it go.
But tonight …. tonight I am done. Tonight I no longer have any fucks to give. (Paula is going to love that I just said that. Right Paula?! It’s our favourite line. Well, that and douchetard). Anyway, tonight I simply don’t have it in me to find an excuse for what just happened. And since the kids and I are the ONLY people who matter in our world right now, and since I write this blog for the purpose of relieving myself of some of the agony that goes on in my head, I am going to tell you what just happened. Because I don’t give a fuck about making excuses for idiots any longer and I don’t give a fuck about being polite.
Tonight I received a text from a number I didn’t recognize, but as I began reading it I became aware that it was from someone I once knew. Someone I have not been friends with for several years, for a very specific reason that doesn’t need rehashing right now since that is not why I am angry. Mother of the delightful neighbor boy previously mentioned.
The background of this story tonight (and what the person who sent the text to me had no knowledge of) was that I came home from work the other day feeling particularly sad. Christmas is around the corner, and My Love is gone. The kids have suffered so terribly and I fear how I will make it through the holidays without crumbling into a ball of nothingness. I am sad. So sad. I miss Ben terribly. So terribly that I physically feel it in my heart. That is how I was feeling on this particular day when I arrived home from work.
My thoughts were on Ben as I got out of my car and walked towards the mailbox. I was completely preoccupied with trying to hold down the vomit and the pain I was feeling at the same time as I thought about Ben, as I constantly do. And as I was walking to the mailbox I was vaguely aware that the boyfriend of the woman I was once friends with in another lifetime was also walking to the same mailbox. The thought barely registered with me … I just walked there, waited my turn, got my mail and walked home. He did the same. At least I think he did …. like I said, I was preoccupied and didn’t pay him any attention. In theory he could have danced naked in front of me and I still wouldn’t have noticed. Ben. Ben. Ben. That’s all I was thinking. That’s all I ever think.
I haven’t given that little “incident” another thought. Can walking to the mailbox, not saying a word, and walking home even be called an “incident”??? In any case, out of the blue tonight I received this random text:
Lets treat each other with respect and compassion? WTF? I actually had to re-read that text because I literally couldn’t believe that walking quietly to the mailbox and back without a word resulted in being accused of avoiding eye contact, ignoring, and an implied lack of compassion. On my part. (Wait … wasn’t it my husband that just died? Wasn’t it my world that fell apart?) So again I say WTF?!!! Could it actually be possible that someone would think there was anything ok about that text? It’s almost fascinating to know that someone can be so fucking out of touch with reality that they could think that I wouldn’t have anything bigger on my mind then whether or not I made fucking eye contact with their boyfriend!!!! Could another human being actually be that ridiculously self absorbed??? Is that even possible?
Well yes, apparently it is. And after I stared at the text in disbelief and quickly sifted through all the horror I have witnessed over the last slightly-less-than-two-years, I responded with this:
And then, just to ensure it ended I wrote:
That should be enough, right? That would surely make this sod pause and think “oops … yeah, duh. I guess watching the love of your life wither away in front of your eyes, scream in pain, cry and beg and plead for pain relief and lose all hope might take a higher spot on her list of priorities over striking up a chitty-chat at the mailbox with a man she barely knows and isn’t particularly fond of. I suppose that maybe it takes every ounce of her energy to get up every day and put on a smile for her kids. Oh, AND, I also guess it’s possible that this time of year might be exceptionally difficult for her, and might even get worse soon as Christmas will be followed by the anniversary of her Love’s death.”
Right? That text I sent might wake her up, right? Wrong. She then sent this:
Whaaaaatttttt????? Wrath? Wait …. what?? Reached out countless times? I can count them, actually. You showed up at the door once without any notice at a time when Ben was in a lot of pain, and you wanted to come in for tea. I said it wasn’t a good time. Then there was a FB message to which I responded quite nicely, and then there was some flowers when Ben died. That’s three times. So …. thank you again for sending flowers when my Love died in our bed. Apparently thanking you once at the time was not enough. I should have put more thought into that. Thinking about you and your thoughtfulness probably should have been more at the forefront of my thoughts rather then “how the fuck will I survive without Ben.” Deepest apologies.
And of course I should have noticed (even though we haven’t seen each other in years) that you are now trying to live a good life. I definitely should have noticed that and sent you some recognition for that. Maybe a good time for doing that would have been while body removal was taking Ben away? After all, I was outside at the time anyway. Or I could have made a pit stop at your place on my way to the funeral. Terribly thoughtless of me …. I have had so much free time over this year.
I stared at that and wondered what to say. There was just so much I could have said in response. I’m a decent writer. I could have come up with something eloquent. Instead, all I had in me in was this:
Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks. That all I had to say. That’s still all I have to say. I have nothing left. I’m depleted. All out of fucks to give.
By the way…that wasn’t the end for her. Nope. She thought she’d add a little passive aggressive note for good measure. Maybe just to put me in my place, right? How dare I say “fuck off.” She is a now a good person, and damn it I should know that. Since I clearly was not aware of that, of course she should remind me in the most passive aggressive way possible.
Wait for it …..
Merry FUCKING Christmas to you! And a jolly fucking Ho Ho Ho!
Suck it, you inconsiderate, self absorbed, ri-fucking-diculous moron. Suck it, I say.
And. I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck.