Just as I think life is picking up and moving along reasonably well, a special event will come along and derail my life.
It’s hard to watch everyone else move forward with their lives and prepare for the big events. I can put on a smile just like everyone else, but behind it I’ll admit to being frustrated that the world is not focussed on the fact that Ben is not here to watch our daughter graduate. I’ll admit to finding that very annoying.
Reasonable? Whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t matter to me. It hurts. Badly. I feel like the kid in school who no one wants to partner with for gym class. All alone. I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed. I’m downright pissed off and I really don’t care if it’s reasonable or not. I’m angry.
I am going to help Jaime get ready for her grad, and I’m going to take pictures and I hope she has a lovely evening. And then I’m going to cry for all that should have been and all that never will be. And I will be angry and I will be resentful and I will be overwhelmingly jealous of everyone I see who has a partner by their side. And unexplainably I will be the most angry with the friends I love the most, because I am just so jealous that they still get their future with their partner, and Ben and I were supposed to be able to go forward with them. That’s my dirty little secret … I sometimes feel immense dislike for every single person I know, because their lives move on and mine does not. There you have it. I may be the worst person I know.
I will be smiling at grad, for Jaime, but inside I will be screaming and throwing a temper tantrum. I am not over it. I will never be over it. I think about Ben almost every minute of every single day. And sometimes I turn away from people because I want to say things that probably shouldn’t be said. It’s hard to keep that much annoyance inside. I’m quite resentful, in fact.
This is a terrible blog post. The worst. I’m even frustrated at myself because I’d like nothing more than to purge all these shitty feelings out onto paper, but they won’t even come to me in any type of eloquent form. All I’ve got is this insane desire to throw things around and kick something.
On another note, did you know there has been some discoveries made with regards to Collecting Duct Carcinoma? No? What, you don’t research it every night before you fall asleep? That’s odd, because I do. Here’s what is now known since Ben died:
- Some cases have been associated to kidney damage caused by an overuse of painkillers. Well gosh, that would have been super nice to have been discovered about 10 years ago before Ben had to start swallowing over the counter painkillers at an alarming rate since his car accident. I wonder if I can sue all over again and have the other driver charged with murder, since there was a bit of a snowball effect there. Maybe it’s all that other driver’s fault.
- apparently there are some links with chromosome mutations. Great. It could be a chromosome thing. That sucks.
Also, I would give my right arm to go back in time so I could try taking Ben to an alternative treatment center somewhere else, or even to get him to try Sunitinib. That was the last drug that Ben could have tried when the Cisplatin and Gemcitabine failed. I talked him out of it. I did. I didn’t want him to try it because I thought he’d suffer more side effects and that it wouldn’t help. And now I think I may have stolen his chance from him.
I’m going to go cry now. Sometimes that’s just all you can do.