The Worst Blog Post

Just as I think life is picking up and moving along reasonably well, a special event will come along and derail my life.

It’s hard to watch everyone else move forward with their lives and prepare for the big events. I can put on a smile just like everyone else, but behind it I’ll admit to being frustrated that the world is not focussed on the fact that Ben is not here to watch our daughter graduate.  I’ll admit to finding that very annoying.

Reasonable?  Whether it is or it isn’t, it doesn’t matter to me. It hurts.  Badly.  I feel like the kid in school who no one wants to partner with for gym class.  All alone. I’m frustrated.  I’m annoyed.  I’m downright pissed off and I really don’t care if it’s reasonable or not.  I’m angry.

I am going to help Jaime get ready for her grad, and I’m going to take pictures and I hope she has a lovely evening.  And then I’m going to cry for all that should have been and all that never will be.  And I will be angry and I will be resentful and I will be overwhelmingly jealous of everyone I see who has a partner by their side.  And unexplainably I will be the most angry with the friends I love the most, because I am just so jealous that they still get their future with their partner, and Ben and I were supposed to be able to go forward with them.  That’s my dirty little secret … I sometimes feel immense dislike for every single person I know, because their lives move on and mine does not.  There you have it.  I may be the worst person I know.

I will be smiling at grad, for Jaime, but inside I will be screaming and throwing a temper tantrum. I am not over it.  I will never be over it.  I think about Ben almost every minute of every single day.  And sometimes I turn away from people because I want to say things that probably shouldn’t be said.  It’s hard to keep that much annoyance inside.  I’m quite resentful, in fact.

This is a terrible blog post.  The worst.  I’m even frustrated at myself because I’d like nothing more than to purge all these shitty feelings out onto paper, but they won’t even come to me in any type of eloquent form.  All I’ve got is this insane desire to throw things around and kick something.

On another note, did you know there has been some discoveries made with regards to Collecting Duct Carcinoma?  No?  What, you don’t research it every night before you fall asleep?  That’s odd, because I do.  Here’s what is now known since Ben died:

  • Some cases have been associated to kidney damage caused by an overuse of painkillers.  Well gosh, that would have been super nice to have been discovered about 10 years ago before Ben had to start swallowing over the counter painkillers at an alarming rate since his car accident.  I wonder if I can sue all over again and have the other driver charged with murder, since there was a bit of a snowball effect there.  Maybe it’s all that other driver’s fault.
  • apparently there are some links with chromosome mutations.  Great.  It could be a chromosome thing.  That sucks.

Also, I would give my right arm to go back in time so I could try taking Ben to an alternative treatment center somewhere else, or even to get him to try Sunitinib.  That was the last drug that Ben could have tried when the Cisplatin and Gemcitabine failed.  I talked him out of it.  I did.  I didn’t want him to try it because I thought he’d suffer more side effects and that it wouldn’t help.  And now I think I may have stolen his chance from him.

I’m going to go cry now.  Sometimes that’s just all you can do.

worst blog post

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9 thoughts on “The Worst Blog Post

  1. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE AND ‘WORST BLOG POST OR NOT'” I READ EVERY SINGLE WORD AND I TAKE AWAY SOMETHING FROM YOUR POSTS EVERYTIME, I KNOW THAT DOESNT BRING BEN BACK AND I KNOW YOU SHOULDNT GIVE A SHIT, BUT I CARE

    OH and p fucking s
    ben would be proud
    XO

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    • Some things were definitely Ben’s fault. Who’s fault was it that I had ugly red curtains hanging up the summer he was sick? Ben. All Ben. But the rest of it … not going to get the expensive treatment in Langley and Mexico that has so far saved the life of a local woman for almost five years? My fault. Mine. I should have insisted. I should have dragged him there. I accepted the “inevitable” outcome far too easily. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t even fight.

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  2. You are not the worst. You are the most honest and caring person I know. I hope you will stop being so hard on yourself and judging yourself for feelings that are NORMAL and OK. Cry and kick something. (Not the dog). I love you my friend. 😀

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  3. Wendy, I seem to have lost your email so I decided I would write here. When my Dylan was sick there was another treatment they said he could try. At that point I had watched him go through the side effects of everything else they said we could try and when he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to do it, I told him it was ok if he didn’t. I use to look back and wonder if I should have pushed him to do it, made him do it, dragged him to it, etc. But now I look at it this way. We loved them whole-heartedly and never would we have done something to hurt them or let the universe take them sooner. You must look at how much you saw the suffering and didn’t want to see him hurt anymore. Unfortunately as much as it sucks to say my Dylan’s outcome would have been the same with or without the treatment. Of this I am sure. It may have prolonged his time here on earth but at what cost? His suffering and being sick and unable to do the things he loved with his family, or taught me the things he deemed important (painting the railing or the barbecue grill), which afterwards I never remembered how to anyway. I suck at remembering things when my focus is really elsewhere but he knew that and accepted that lol. I know that it hurts you, the what ifs and teh fact that other people may be surviving now pisses you off. Know that that is ok! It is not personal towards them…..it is about what you had and wish you could have gotten from GOD, the universe, or whatever you believe. I guess I am just trying to tell you that what you are feeling is ok and what we call normal in our circumstances and the world we have come to know. Email me anytime if you still have my email, I am always willing to listen, try and help, talk through, or just let you know you are not alone in this. And here is one big F*CK YOU CANCER from me!

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