Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Its Back To Work I Go

A couple of significant things happened today.  First of all, its Lelita’s birthday.  Hahaha. Lelita, your birthday gift is that you get top mention in my blog post!  🙂

Aside from that major event, I returned to work today.  361 days after my whole world collapsed in one moment that I will never forget.  It was a very challenging day, even though I clearly work for the best employer and with the best people who are extremely understanding and helpful.  And forgiving of my fried brain.

I found it weirdly interesting that I never cry at home and always feel like I have everything together.  Obviously I don’t have much choice since the kids are here and I promised them at Ben’s service that I would not break.  I intend to keep that promise.  So I pretty much expected that other than being slightly nervous it would be fairly status quo.

Not so.

I teared up every time I turned around.  It was like a tap turned on and I had a permanent leak.  I cried every time someone looked at me with a sympathetic smile, every time I saw one of Ben’s old colleagues, every time I saw one of my old colleagues, every time someone said “hi,” every time someone said “glad to have you back,” every time someone poked their head in my office …. pretty much every time anyone breathed in my general area.

It was embarrassing.  And exhausting.  And gave me a huge headache.  I don’t know how I will manage going back for the next shift.  Also, I seem to have a combination of “pregnancy brain” coupled with “chemo brain” coupled with “head injury,”  although none of those things technically apply to me.  I believe I have always been reasonably competent at work, but apparently not so anymore.  I don’t remember people’s names, I don’t remember my passwords, I don’t remember the computer programs, I don’t remember much of my job description … I didn’t even remember my phone number or how to sign onto the computer.  Not even joking.  I had better get it together, because I’m pretty sure the understanding will only last so long and I do have three kids to put through university.  Unless the Lottery Gods are on my side, I need my job.

brain fog

On another note, today is the two year anniversary of Zak’s sobriety.  To see how awesome my kid is, click on his name below:

Zak Saint-Onge

I don’t have adequate words to describe how happy I am about Zak being two years sober.  I don’t have adequate words to describe how heartbroken I am that Ben is not here to see it for himself. He deserved to celebrate alongside Zak.  His support helped save Zak’s life. Tomorrow night Zak takes his two year cake.  One year ago today Ben and I were utterly ecstatic. Two days later he found out he was going to die.  One year after that he has already been dead for almost three months.

I can’t touch on that topic any more right now.  I’ll save that for another time.  I need to go find the off switch for the leaky tap I have going.

I’ll leave you with the last great thing that happened today.  A little piece of Ben came home (for about 30 seconds, mind you, but something is better than nothing).

Your guess who is behind the mask: