Awkward Moments

Me. Today.  At the Gynocologist’s office.

Dr. Handsome Gyno:  enters the room with his handsome smile, sits his whole handsome body down in front of me and with his handsome mouth he asks “how are you?”

Me:  thinks to self “how the Hell do you think I am, you handsome man?  What kind of a stupid assed question is that to spew out of your handsome mouth? You are really handsome.”

In reality, my eyes spontaneously filled with tears like a two year old who had her soother ripped out of her hands.

Dr. Handsome Gyno:  “you look upset.  Is something bothering you?”

Me:  “Well … my husband died.  So there’s that.”

That’s actually what I said.

Dr. Handsome Gyno looked equal parts horrified and embarrassed as that little piece of information hung out there awkwardly between myself and his handsome self.

Apparently I can’t just shut my mouth, smile and say “All is well with me, Dr. Handsome Gyno.  How are YOU?”  Nope.  I’ve just got to open my mouth and vomit out whatever comes to mind.  And since The Love Of My Life is always on my mind, that is what tends to come out.

This is the continually awkward story of my life.  One minute I’m fine and the next I am sad, frustrated, angry, annoyed, short tempered or fine again.  Pick one.  If you pick the wrong one you can rest assured that within two or three minutes you will be right.  The emotions are random, unplanned and embarrassing.  And awkward.

Here’s one of Wendy’s truths … when someone passes me in the hall at work, smiles happily and says “Hey, how’re ya doin’?!” I want to punch them in the face.  Hard. Sometimes I feel badly about those nasty innermost feelings of mine, and I try to remind myself that not everyone else’s world permanently imploded on January 13, 2016.  But most of the time I don’t bother reminding myself that they are good people trying to be nice, and that they don’t really understand. That they couldn’t possibly understand, and that I’m actually glad they haven’t personally experienced this Hell themselves.  Usually I just choose to go with the moment and secretly hate them. I’m a terrible person at times. It’s not you, it’s me.

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I do my best to shake it off, but sometimes (like now) that just isn’t happening.  However, on the ‘shake it off’ note,  I did again stumble across this text from early January where Ben was carrying on a very serious conversation and still managed to have a sense of humour.  I cut out the majority of the private conversation, but left in the funny part.  (I’m not actually sure that he meant to be funny, but he was.  Ben’s part is in blue.)  Read on:

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Lol.  “Shake it off like Taylor Swift does” he says.  Haha.  If only Taylor Swift knew how the Big Bad Titan loved her!  If only he could have shaken off that fucking cancer.  With a small fucking ‘c’.

After my visit with Dr. Handsome Gyno I found myself thinking of fifty things that needed doing, but was completely unable to decide which one to do.  I can’t make a decision to save my life. Lets hope I don’t really need to any time soon.  I think I made enough decisions trying to save Ben’s life, and since we all know how that turned out, my mind has apparently decided ‘no more’ since it didn’t work anyway.

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One of the items on my “To Do” list was to go buy new vent covers to go with my new hardwood floors.  I stopped at Rona on the way home and wandered.  And wandered.  And mulled over sprinkler timers for some reason.  And wandered.  And glanced at the pendant lights which I also need.  And wandered.  You get the picture.  I bought nothing.  At this rate my home reno will never be done.  I am relying on my friends with good taste and decision making abilities to choose for me.  The other day I brought a throw rug home and then returned it.

Today I made an appointment for Friday with the people who will show me the map of the cemetery where we will have Ben’s ashes interred.  WTF.  Last year I was just barely getting used to the most recent diagnosis, and now I sit here typing about having My Sweetheart’s ashes interred?  No wonder I’m fucking cranky.

I want this again.  I want my hideous beast back again.

I will update after I have information about where Ben’s ashes will be spending the rest of eternity.  Or at least most of them.  I plan on keeping some myself, as I believe I mentioned in an earlier post.  (And speaking of indecisive …. the funeral director did ask me several times back in January if I wanted to keep some ashes aside and I said “no, no, never, absolutely not, stop asking me.”  Now I have changed my mind.  Naturally.)  Apparently I will also be deciding where my own ashes will be interred, because otherwise I will buy a single plot and then change my mind down the road.  Likely I would then try to buy out the owner of the plot next to Ben, and when they say “No” I would have to resort to grave robbing.  Not good for the career.  So I’ll buy my own resting place at the same time and save our kids the trouble down the road.

Besides, where else would I want my ashes to be for all eternity but snuggled beside Ben?

The other night I dreamed that Ben was walking beside me and laughing.  It was so sweet to be beside him again, until my twisted brain then turned that pleasant moment into a nightmare where he had a heart attack walking alongside me.  Again … WTF?  While I was screaming “Call 911” he turned his head towards me and gave me a mischievous smile. Not even kidding.  Then I woke up.

After all these months of silently begging him to come back, that’s what he does? Undoubtedly his idea of a joke, since his sense of humour was “unique,” to put it delicately.

This song is our song.  I always thought we’d dance on the beach to this song in our old age.

I love you Ben.  I miss you every minute.  I wish you had told me how I was supposed to manage life without you.

PS.  Raegan made dinner tonight.  Potato soup.  From scratch.  So that was nice.  Thanks for teaching her how to cook

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It’s the Day Before Surgery and All Through the House…

Well it’s a day before my surgery and I figured I should write a quick review of the Dave Matthews concert before I see the Foo Fighters this Friday. Let me first say that it was a pleasure to attend this concert with my lovely 14 year old daughter Raegan. She never whined or complained and was just a joy to be around. Once we got the venue, she reminded me that Rogers Arena did in fact sell popcorn and drinks to the concertgoers. So we both loaded up on popcorn and soda and took our seats. Well it turns out that Dave Matthews is so awesome that he doesn’t need an opening act. What he did was open the show with an acoustic seat and gradually added band members until the full Dave Matthews Band was on the stage. Raegan lit up as soon as they started playing “You and Me” which was the only song that Raegan knew – and she loved it.

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The rest of the show was great. He played all of my favourite songs except for 2 – “Gravedigger” and “Old Dirt Hill”. Once the encore was over we waited for almost everyone to vacate the arena before she helped me hobble to the SkyTrain for our ride back to Surrey. We had a really good time.

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So surgery…I am betting the farm that it will take care of the constant pain in my ass and right leg all the way down to my foot. Despite taking my pain meds, I am sitting at my desk typing this as fast as I can because the pain is so bad I feel like throwing up. So pardon me if you see some grammatical errors.

Here’s what I’ve been told. There are two people qualified to perform this surgery. It’s non-invasive. They are going to use a needle to freeze (and hopefully kill) the tumour that has caused the fracture in my pelvic bone. Then they are going to cement the fracture with orange play-doh and fairy dust. Just testing you. Pay attention now. They are going to cement the fracture with some kind of glue (I’m guessing) and then perform a nerve block on that god damn nerve that goes all the way down to my foot which is driving me fucking crazy!! So I am hoping to wake up tomorrow afternoon with significantly less pain. Fingers crossed.

Until then I will continue sitting in the living room for ten minutes at a time with my guitar, amp and a few pedals working on various Foo Fighters songs. Thankfully my bride has allowed me to have an amp, three guitars and a handful of pedals in our living room so that I don’t have to navigate the stairs to my man cave.  Thank you, honey bunny.

And for those who are interested: the J Rocket Audio Designs Tim Pierce Overdrive & Power Amp kicks huge ass. Great for Foo Fighters tones.

Tattas for now!

It’s Been Awhile…

Well apparently it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Wendy keeps bugging the shit out of me, and I keep findIng every reason not to blog. Why? It’s complicated. The straight-forward answer is that I couldn’t think of anything positive to blog about.

My visits to the BC Cancer Agency only serve to re-enforce my suspicions that by this time next year I’ll be nothing but a memory to everyone. A fond one perhaps, but only a memory. Don’t get me wrong, the people at the BCCA are very kind and helpful but they still leave me with the feeling that I’m going to die. And because of that, I haven’t been feeling very upbeat and positive.

That and the fact that I did a little googling on my very own Collecting Duct Carcinoma and found nothing but shit news. I won’t get into the details but I couldn’t find anything that led me to believe I will pull out of this. So I am doing my best not to think of cancer, and only thinking about making the best of the days in front of me.

So that’s where I’m at. No more pom-poms, false cheers or brave words in the face of this fucking thing. Just me and my disease (that could be a cool song title). I don’t know what else to do. This blog post isn’t designed to cause depression…I think I have chemo brain. My brain just doesn’t seem to work. Normally witty things just come to me but there seems to be some kind of roadblock happening. Anyways…on to bigger and better things.

Tomorrow night I am taking Raegan to the Dave Matthews concert here in Vancouver. I’ve been wanting to see him for years. I used to be a bigger fan but that seems to have faded somewhat. I still like his music but maybe five years ago may have been better timing. Anyways, we will enjoy it together. I’m looking forward to it.

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On September 11 Zach and I will be going to see the Foo Fighters. My very favourite band. If I ever grow up, I want to grow up to be Dave Grohl. What a guy. I love the energy of that band. Some may say that I am too old to like the Foo Fighters, to that I say “Piss off”. I love those guys. Period. We are both really looking forward to the show. Should be awesome.

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And the big surprise is…On September 24 my bride is taking me to see one of my favourite artists ever…Doyle Bramhall II. Yup, I know. No one knows who he is right? Right. Well I do, and I think he is awesome. Google him, he has a decent resume. He and Charlie Sexton formed the Arc Angels in 1990 and had a few hits on the blues rock charts. He then went solo in 1996 with his self-titled album Doyle Bramhall II. Then in 1999 he released Jellycream. Then released a follow-up album Welcome in 2001. Since then he has been working as a gun for hire and has quite a few big names on his resume: he has toured with Roger Waters (Pink Floyd), Eric Clapton and a host of other artists. Anyways, he is playing at a small venue called the El Rey Theatre in LA. We are flying down on the 23rd, catching the show on the 24th and flying back the next day.

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Wendy LOVES his hair. I do too actually. If I only had hair…

I had been following his events calendar for some time and was considering flying down to Texas and catching one of his shows in Austin. But with three kids and a mortgage it was hard to justify a trip like that. But with Cancer – what the hell!! Can’t wait!!!

Wendy tells me that she’s been in touch with the man himself. I’m looking forward to seeing if anything comes of this contact. I’m hoping to meet him. We’ll see. I don’t know exactly what I would say to him but…it would be cool.

Anyways, I think I’m done with this post. I may be back again…We’ll see.