For anyone out there who may be looking for some advice on how to sleep alone and actually get some sleep, here’s my best tip…
Snuggle a T Shirt.
On the nights where I really need to feel Ben close I just open up that cabinet in the picture above where I store all his favourite T’s. Unwashed. And I inhale deeply. And I can smell him again. It’s Heaven. I don’t do it every night because I don’t want to lose that delicious smell, but I have done it a few times over the last two weeks and it was absolutely dreamy.
Smelling those unwashed shirts is pretty much what helped get me through the last couple of weeks. I believe I mentioned in my last post … The Worst Blog Post Ever … that Jaime’s grad was right around the corner. I was feeling rather down in the dumps because Ben had to miss it, but those t shirts helped keep him close. Well, that and the fact that I had this brilliant idea…
She got to have her dad there anyway! Awesome idea, I know. I patted myself on the back for that one.
Jaime had a good time at her grad and it was slightly easier than I had anticipated. Lisa O and I reminisced about our own grad together twenty nine years ago (yikes) and how we had looked better then our kids did. Here’s a picture of Jaime and Jack O:
It’s weird to see our kids graduating together. That wasn’t something I saw coming all those years back when we were toilet papering our high school like the dangerous rebels we were. Mind you, I never saw a lot of things coming. Life likes to surprise us, it seems.
Here’s Jaime and I together. Prom buddies …
I was way more fashion forward, with much better hair. 🙂 God I miss the 80’s.
Since it was such a momentous occasion I’m going to throw in a few more pics of my sweet girl who has shown more resilience in the last two years than adults twice her age. That will carry her far in life. I’m very proud, incase you couldn’t tell.
And last but not least, the Saint-Onge quasi-adults posed together to take a big ol’ “Fuck You, cancer” picture. (With a small “c”)
Ben would be so proud. Damn right. I’m pretty proud of what we made together. Thanks for that, Ben. I will have this picture framed because it just screams “We are Ben’s kids!” I love it.
Grad was not the only momentous occasion that took place around here in the last couple of weeks. One of those momentous occasions was the day I officially surpassed Ben in age. I am now 47 and The Titan was a mere 46 years young when he died. Suddenly 46 seems so much younger than it did not long ago. Now it seems that he was just a baby. Now it really seems fitting that we chose the line “And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief” for his grave stone. His life really was so brief.
I was digging through some memories and found the last card he ever gave me. My 45th birthday card, not long after he found out he was dying.
Ben, if you ever read this I just want you to know that I know how hard you worked at being there for me. I know you would have stayed forever if you could have. Thank you for trying so hard. I read a quote the other day that said, “You were my greatest hello and my saddest goodbye.” That pretty much sums up the beginning and the end, but it misses the middle part, which was the best part. I’ll always be grateful for the middle and those memories will forever make me smile.
Anyway, the other momentous occasion that took place since The Worst Blog Post Ever was a happier one. Our boy turned 21 years old. Wow.
We did what we Saint-Onge’s do best. We threw a BBQ.
And that’s the last couple of weeks in a nutshell. Now here we are on June 8th, exactly two years after Ben’s surgery. You can read about that scary day if you click here, but personally I think I will just skim past those memories, myself. I don’t feel like going there right now. Instead I will pack it in for the day, curl up with a t-shirt, and look forward to some sun (hopefully) and another celebration this weekend. (Yay Kirby!)
I love you too.