It seems the never ending “To Do” list since Ben passed away is finally dwindling. I’m not getting too excited about that yet, because I have thought I was close before only to find that unexpected things pop up and suck up further endless amounts of time. Still, I feel like I am finally almost there and that makes me slightly happy, which is a pleasant break from the crap feelings of the last 135 days. Yes, one hundred and 35 days. Holy. Shit. When I actually counted I could not believe it has already been that long.
The old saying “time flies when you’re having fun” does not apply here.
This past long weekend we (and by “we” I mean just Raegan and I, since Jaime worked and Zak did whatever those on the cusp of 20 years old who are solidly sober do with their time) went to Brett and Lisa’s cabin for a little getaway. I will admit to having had a panic attack at the thought of going further then a two block radius from the house, but I managed to get it together and off we went. I was greeted by this view, which helped slow my breathing:
It looks like a painting, doesn’t it? That is the actual view off of the end of their dock. Taken with my Iphone. You know it’s a beautiful view when an Iphone can take a picture like that.
The last time I was here was less than two short years ago for Dad’s 70th-but-looks-55 birthday:
I suppose I need to adjust to the fact that unless I plan on moving out of province (I do not), I will have to get used to a lot of “first time here without Ben” moments. I might as well get them over with, and what better way to do it then with those I love most.
The weather was iffy and Raegan was actually quite sick, but here’s a few pics of our time:
I am still waiting for Jenna to send me the rest of the pics. Hint hint.
The rest of the week thus far has been rather mellow. A few moments of anxiety and freaking out that were tamed by the Lovely Lisa Opsahl, interspersed with taking care of Raegan who cannot seem to shake this sickness, along with some actual normalcy.
This day last year (yes, that is how I still continue to think) Ben wrote this. (<< click there.) He had received the most thoughtful gift from a complete stranger who still remains near and dear to my heart, despite having never met him. He really brought Ben a lot of joy after several weeks of anguish.
Today I did this:
One on each shoulder. Excuse the bruising and the bleeding … that will go away. The left shoulder is a vague replica of the picture on the urn that holds My Beloved’s remains. The words are mine – well, mine after I stole them off the internet.
The right says “The love and the laughter will live on long after all of the sadness and the tears.” That is a line from the song that Jeff chose to play at Ben’s service. When I sent him a picture of the tattoo he took the opportunity to remind me that I had mocked him mercilessly for choosing a country song to play for Ben as he was dying.
Ah, Jeff. Our relationship is one of sarcasm and insults, with an underlay of pure understanding for how we both loved Ben. I am very grateful for him. I wish he lived closer, but don’t tell him I said that.
This morning he also told me to check out a particular song by Miley Cyrus. I thought I would hate it (not her biggest fan, plus it is called “The Twinkle Song” WTF?) but it turns out I loved it. I’m never going to hear the end of it. I’ve tried to post the song several times but it doesn’t seem to work, so I’ll link it. Click here.
I was also checking out a FB group recently and found that someone had posted a remake of The Sound Of Silence. It was done by one of my son’s favorite bands … Disturbed. (Never heard of them? Me neither until Zak went to their concert. Pretty sure that no one over the age of 21 knows who they are.) In any case, I normally have an automatic dislike for the bands that my son covets – must be the generation gap – but I actually loved this remake. Mostly for the passion with which it was sung. Take a look / listen:
When I told Zak I had found a song by Disturbed that I loved, he said “Sound Of Silence?” I said, “Yes. I loved it. Can you believe it?” He said, “Meh. I didn’t like that song.”
Apparently the generation gap cannot be closed.
In a few days our son will celebrate his 20th birthday. Another first without Ben and I’m so very, very sorry for him that he will miss it. I wish our story had a different ending. In the meantime I will continue to swim through this shit storm that landed on the Saint-Onge Five. I’ll keep looking for that crack of light and remain grateful for the time we had together and for what he left me.
One last thing … since it is one year to the day that Ben received an unexpected Happiness Bomb from someone he never met, I want to do the same in a small way. I want to take a moment to give a shout out to a man I have never met. A fellow Lower Mainlander who has found himself in the same unenviable position that Ben did. G. William Gould is his name. I can tell from reading his blog that I would really like him, and so would have Ben. He has started an amazing foundation – a Make A Wish For Adults, if you will. I’m going to link his blog to my home page, but in the meantime I want to share the link to the words he wrote today. He got some great news, and you can read about it here. I have a pretty good feeling he has discovered his real purpose in life (forgive him …. he was a lawyer previously. Lol) and will be around for a long time helping others in similar positions.
I love good news in the fight against crappy cancer with a small ‘c’. If you want to spread some random love and good wishes, give his post a ‘like’ and let him know that strangers are rooting for him. The comments Ben received on this blog really kept him going. Pass on those feelings to someone else.
And in the words of G. William Gould, shamelessly stolen directly from the Welcome page of his blog, I would also like to say that “If you enjoy or otherwise find any value in my writing, please take the time to share, tweet, reblog and like your favourite posts.”
Have a great rest of the week, friends. Hug your families, spread the love, and take a moment to remember The Titan.