Doctors, Surgeons, Fighters and Fear

I saw Dr A yesterday. While there is still no concrete plan this is what the rough sketch is looking like.

My leg pain is starting to get worse, as is the numbness in my lower leg. I used to be able to feel my big toe but it’s starting to go numb now. The pain is also getting more pronounced in my right leg from my butt cheek to my knee. I’m starting to walk like a drunk now and almost fell on a guy playing a $3000 guitar at my favourite local music store. Good times.

Dr A said that while the kidney has to come out, the spine must be dealt with first in order to at least control if not stop the tumor growth. Dealt with means being blasted with radiation. Once that is done, the kidney will be removed. Dr A said he is not worried about leaving the kidney in for a little longer.

I also saw Dr B this morning. He said that a surgeon may have to go in and take a look at what’s happening to my spine. A little poke and peek. Apparently I may have an appointment with yet another spine surgeon on Thursday. The tumour on my spine seems to be growing so it’s time to zap it.

That’s it in a nutshell.

So based on how I “slept” last night and how I feel this morning, I will likely be heading to the emergency room tonight.

While trying to get to sleep last night I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts: The Fighter and The Kid. They had Rashad Evans, former UFC LH Champ, as a guest. Their discussions eventually led to how Rashad Evans felt before a fight. He admitted to being afraid and having self-doubt immediately before the fight. They went on to share stories of other fighters feeling the same way. Rashad Evans went on to impart some conversations he’s had with George St-Pierre immediately before his fights. Evans did his best impersonation of GSP and said “ah no my friend, my god I’m a fucking mess. I hate this. This is my last fight. Tabernac de calice. I am done. I can’t stand this shit. I hate this. I fell like my stomach is in knots. I can’t breath.” Brendan Schaub went on to recount one of his experiences with GSP when his coach asked him to keep GSP company before a fight. Schaub did his best impersonation and said “I’m so fucking scared. I’m so fucking nervous!” Well I laughed my head off at their impersonations and was inspired by what they said about my favourite and most respected fighter. Despite having those feeling before every fight, GSP would show up in the octagon, completely composed and ready for battle. And he would win. Again and again and again.

TFATK  GSP

Well here it is. I am also afraid. I’m afraid of having this shit in my body. I’m afraid of being cut open and losing body parts or worse, the doctors finding a lot more cancer than they expected. I am afraid of permanently losing the use of my right leg. I am afraid of the effects of radiation and chemotherapy. I’m afraid of some of the last memories I have of my grandmother and her battle with cancer. I’m afraid of Wendy, Zach, Jaime and Raegan being afraid for me or seeing me in a broken state.

But like any other challenges I’ve faced, I will put my fears aside, face it head on and hope for the best.

6 thoughts on “Doctors, Surgeons, Fighters and Fear

  1. My Ben, I know you are afraid. But don’t waste energy being afraid for us. We are all strong because of the example you have set for us. You have taken care of us all for so long, it is time for us to take care of you. So bundle all that energy up and focus it on yourself. I really don’t care what they find when they do their little poke and peek, because my strong, fearless Ben will do what he needs to do get rid of it. And the loves of your life are all beside you doing battle right along with you. Fear not….we are all here.

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  2. I cannot imagine the fear you are all feeling right now. I hope there is comfort knowing you are all in this together supporting each other 100%. You are blessed in so many ways. Incredibly strong marriage, amazing children, family, friends, money to live life. I have these too but my list includes my health. How many days have I spent taking this for granted?? Way too many!! This isn’t happening to me, but your cancer has really opened my eyes. I promise to appreciate what I have every day because it’s a gift, not a right. Again Ben, thank you for blogging and letting me into your journey. Swallow that fear and kick the shit out of the cancer. You are so strong and have amazing support…. You got this!!

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  3. Like GSP who channeled his fear to focus his energy and go on to win over and over again. I have no doubt that BSO will get in the octagon of life, channeled his fear and destroy cancer a la GSP!!!!
    Saint-Onge Stong!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ben,
    Wendy is the strongest person I know. She’s right – take every ounce of energy you have and focus it on yourself! I’m visualizing those little bastard cancer cells shriveling up and dying right now! You’ll be back in the ring before you know it. Hugs,
    Paula and Kelly

    Liked by 1 person

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